


Across the Desert

by ypsese



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger Management, Crush at First Sight, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss of Faith, Mental Health Issues, Older! Reader, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Role Models, Substance Abuse, Trust Issues, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Younger! Natsu, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:37:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ypsese/pseuds/ypsese
Summary: I hoped they would never come back. I hoped they all disappeared into another giant hole in the earth. For all my love and compassion had fizzled out in drones, and I was left with nothing but resentment.I was done with Fairy Tail.And it was done with me.





	Across the Desert

It was cold. The wind chill cut through Lucy like blades, freezing her to the very core. Weather in the Alpines was incomprehensible.

How could anyone enjoy hiking? Especially when it was so cold that Lucy couldn’t feel her body.

But despite the surmountable reasons to not be climbing the summit of an incredibly dangerous mountain, Lucy had heard rumours.

Rumours of a wizard sleeping in the snowy Tundra of a small town, protecting the villagers from every and all danger.

Try as she might, but when the guild disbanded, Lucy couldn’t keep tabs on everyone. There were so many people leaving in so many new places, it was impossible to track down all her friends. 

However, there was one particular person who seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. Delving into the deepest, darkest corners of Ishgar to never return. A creature of habit disappearing off the grid, angry and twisted by the abandonment of her guildmates.

At least that’s what Lucy wrote about in her diary.

Since day one at Fairy Tail, (Y/N) had been an aloof mystery to the Celestial Mage. Not to say she wasn’t as kindhearted and determined as her fellow guild members, but there was something different about her, on a DNA, cellular level.

(Y/N) wasn’t one to be enthusiastic, or show interest in anything except good beer. Often, she would criticise her guildmates for their behaviour, and rarely found anything funny. Anyone who could get past the ice wizards cynical behaviour and cold exterior (no pun intended) found themselves in a friendship with someone who was fiercely loyal.

Despite (Y/N)’s bitter behaviour, it was apparent that she would sacrifice all and anything for a friend, no matter the cost. There was intense, underlying devotion in (Y/N)’s attitudes and actions. In any situation, she would throw herself in front of a teammate, facing whatever consequence, and in most cases she came out mortally wounded.

But Lucy could understand why the Ice Dragon Slayer had such fierce and undying loyalty. 

Just like the other dragon slayers, (Y/N) had been abandoned as an infant, and now clung to her guildmates like the family she had never had. 

Natsu had told her about (Y/N)’s upbringing. It was just as rough and tormented as she’d imagined. On the seventh of the seventh, the year 777, Cornelia the Ice Dragon Queen vanished, leaving behind a broken child. 

That child was left to roam Fiore, starving and sick until she was taken by slave traders. That was all Lucy knew, all Lucy would ever know about (Y/N) (L/N). Just as much of an enigma as her mother had once been, this brooding, damaged figure…

But she couldn't count the amount of times that damaged figure had saved her life. (Y/N) was always there, in the background, observing every situation. And now Lucy was unable to do the same. She had tried so hard, searched so hard, and found nothing.

(Y/N) had vanished.

"I'd heard rumours, but I never imagined anything like this," Lucy Heartfilia murmured softly, straggling behind her group of friends as snow covered their ascent. 

"As the villagers informed us, the quickest way up the summit is by foot," Erza Scarlet stated, a frown edging at her refined features. "We will honour their words." 

Erza was clearly angry, she often expressed her displeasure for cold places through calm, diplomatic words. Trying to see the light in the worst situations. However, just like everyone else, the Queen of the Fairies nerves were starting to fray. 

Icy particles clung to Erza’s armour as she trudged straight through the dangerously cold terrain; a determined expression on her face. Despite the cold, Erza was still wearing her signature blue skirt, but this time she had armour to cover her legs. Although Lucy doubted that would fight off the cold. 

The winds were so chilly that the thought of summoning Horologium crossed her mind, but she detested using her spirits like slaves. The wind picked up again and Wendy sighed, eyes closed as she waddled across the ice.

“I’ve never tasted such fresh air,” the sky dragon slayer sighed.

"Knowing (Y/N), she'll definitely be here," Gray mused with a roll of his eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean, droopy eyes?" Natsu snapped, his olive eyes flaring up with a broken glare.

"An icy tundra near a village known for its gin distillery," Gray grunted, ignoring the fire dragon slayer's insult. "Two thing’s (Y/N) adores?” 

"Aye!" Happy chimed, rubbing his furry ears against Lucy's arm. "(Y/N) loves her alcohol." 

The chattering of the blue cat's teeth seemed to dampen the mood of the five wizards. Not only had they abandoned the guild work site to follow a small hunch, but they hadn't eaten since morning and the icy temperatures were making them cranky. 

Natsu didn't look at all deterred by the frigid cold, more so giddy at the prospect of seeing his childhood crush again. Ever since Natsu had joined the guild, he had held a safe, warm spot in his heart for the bitter ice dragon slayer. It was Natsu who knew her better then anyone else in the guild and because of their strong connection, an accidental love had blossomed.

But it had been a whole year since he’d seen her. A year of lucid dreaming, stray thoughts and wonder.

“I can’t wait to see Akame again!” The blue cat declared, his tail flicking back and forth agaisnt Lucy’s head.

“Honestly, dumb tomcat…” Carla sighed into her tiny palms. “The first thing you think of is (Y/N)’s exceed?” 

Ignoring Carla’s chastising, Happy continued to wag his brittle tail, smacking it roughly into the back of Lucy’s head until she started swatting at him. They continued up the summit in comfortable silence, watching a trail Gray’s clothes land in the snow. 

The peak was strangely dark and entangled with frozen vines that could’ve been mistaken for metal rods. If you hadn’t been looking for certain clues, the small cave would’ve looked inhabitable. 

There was a mattress pressed agaisnt the far wall, it was so hard it may as well been a rock. Some ice picks, a small dagger and a bucket full of fish, sat on a table made completely out of ice. Although the place was a mess, Natsu and Wendy’s senses were spiralling off the rector scale.

“She’s here alright!” Natsu yelled, his voice ricocheting through the small cave. The stalactites of ice surrounding the cave shook from their roots, coming down like deadly blades near Erza’s feet. The red-headed mage turned to her companion, giving him the iciest glare she could manage.

Natsu swallowed unevenly. 

"Ever since the guild disbanded, I tried keeping tabs on all of you," Lucy explained, running her hands up and down her arms. "But (Y/N) was the only one that seemed to dive straight off the grid…I see why now.”

“She lived up here…all alone?” Happy said quietly, distraught by her living space. 

“Not alone,” Wendy reminded her friends. “She has Akame!” 

That seemed to lift everyone's spirits a little bit. Natsu shrugged, grinning as he walked around the small cave, looking at the small little quirks (Y/N) had added to her home. The others decided to tag along, analysing their surroundings. 

The celestial mage waddled around, not being able to feel her knees she was so cold, and found herself staring at a wall covered in chaotic scribbles. At first, they looked like nothing, mindless drawings, but then the dots started to connect. 

“W-What the…” Lucy could feel her skin going pale and the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“What is it Luce?” Natsu asked, coming over to look at the wall. 

The entire left wall of her cave was covered in graphic depictions of Fairy Tail’s fight with Tartaros. Sketches of Mard Geer, Jackal, Kyoka as well as Gray’s father; Silver. All fighting, all wounded. And then there were her friends, all in model like renditions of themselves.

Lucy bleeding in her star dress, Natsu and Gray battling Mard Geer, meeting Zeref. Erza getting tortured, Wendy in dragon force. But the most gruesome of all the scribbles, was a mutilated corpse, and the tiny crying child. 

“Is that…her dragon?” Lucy’s voice was breathless, and she looked a little shaken. 

“Her mother,” Erza corrected sternly. “(Y/N) thought of Cornelia as a mother, not a dragon.”

Lucy swallowed thickly, her heart suddenly squeezing in her chest, an unbearable weight shifting on her shoulders. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the small, sketched child, crying her eyes out as she clutched her left bicep.

(Y/N)’s guild mark was on her left bicep…

“This is her,” Lucy pointed to the tiny girl. “This is how she felt.” 

A deafening silence filled the cave, and before anyone could say anything, an alarmingly powerful presence snuck up on them.

“You guys done snooping?” a voice grunted out from the cave entrance. 

Team Natsu spun around. It was hard to react happily when a very angry looking Ice Dragon Slayer was glaring daggers at each and everyone of her guildmates. Natsu had planned his reunion in his head a million times, but right now, with her looking extremely pissed off, no one moved.

(Y/N)’s platinum hair was long and reckless, almost bear-like. Using that comparison, (Y/N) did look like she’d been hibernating for months, because there were dark bags under her eyes, and endless knots in her hair. The dragon slayer was wearing a stitched up cloak that covered her entire body, and her arms were all wrapped up in bandages. 

“(Y/N)!” Happy broke the tension, flittering over with his hands out. The Ice Dragon Slayer regarded the blue cat coldly, before flicking him right between the eyes, swatting him like an annoying insect. 

Happy hit the far wall with an angry crunch and slid down, his eyes wide with fear. (Y/N) however, didn’t look at all deterred, she simply lifted a half-empty bottle of whiskey to her lips and took a massive chug. 

“Why are you guys here?” Her voice had changed, it was hushed and bitter.

When (Y/N) moved, she had a slight limp, and all too suddenly the Fairy Tail mages realised that this wasn’t the same (Y/N) they’d known a year ago, and it wasn’t a good thing. She looked like an old man with war PTSD. 

“Fairy Tail’s getting back together!” Natsu cheered, not caring at all that Happy had just been slapped across the room.

(Y/N) laughed bitterly, soaking up the rest of her whiskey bottle before throwing it agaisnt the ground. The glass shattered on impact, tiny remnants of alcohol splattering Lucy’s feet. 

“I heard,” the ice dragon slayer grumbled. “But why are you guys here?”

An awkward and scary silence settled across the room as (Y/N) picked a fish up from her frozen basket and started to chomp away at it carelessly. (Y/N) was unfazed by their expressions, going about her daily routine without a hiccup. She refused to let anyone ruffle her feathers anymore. 

The group watched her eat her fish in utter silence. When she was done she wiped her lips with the back of her hand and threw the fish carcass back into the bucket, belching loudly. The Ice Dragon Slayer leant back in her chair and sighed happily, stretching her arms.

“Why are you guys still here?” She yawned, rolling her neck from side to side as awful cracks echoed across the cavern.

“To get you! Weirdo!” Natsu exclaimed, cheerful again. 

“Well you made that trip for nothing kid,” she burped again, rocking softly in her chair

“What?” Lucy gaped. “You’re joking right?”

“Of course she’s joking…” Natsu said proudly with a wide grin. “(Y/N)’s always had a good sense of humour…”

The celestial mage stared at her best friend, resisting the urge to punch him right in the head, hoping that it would shake some sense into him.

“I’m not going anywhere, especially back to Fairy Tail,” the Ice Dragon Slayer explained. “It broke up for a reason didn’t it?”

For the first time since they arrived, Lucy was suddenly sensing and the overwhelming amount of danger radiating off (Y/N). Her eyes were feral, almost like a wild animal. Her muscular arms were speckled with frost, covering an ugly, serpentine tattoo on her right forearm.

Lucy blinked for a second, registering what (Y/N) was saying. "W-What do you mean?"

The wind picked up and suddenly (Y/N)’s cloak shifted, exposing her bare feet and the scars undulating across her body. 

Natsu choked up, instantly recognising the power that lay behind the inscribing on her forearm. It was the unhinged power of the Ice Dragon Queen, left to her as a dying wish. But not only that, it was also the dark, icy marks bruised into her body and the baffling loss of weight to (Y/N)’s bones. Her skin sunk into her ribcage, to the point where you could see the coarse flecks of bone piercing her skin. 

She looked skeletal. 

Something in Lucy’s heart burst. 

“W-Where's your guild mark?”

“I got rid of it.” (Y/N) stated plainly, like it wasn’t the worse thing her friends had ever heard.

“Y-You…” Wendy’s brown eyes widened, her lips trembling in disbelief.Shock spreading through the group like wildfire. 

“How could you…” Lucy gaped, tears tugging at the edges of her eyes all to quickly. 

The celestial mage refused to believe the person in front of her was the same (Y/N) she’d met all those years ago. There was no way they were the same person. The (Y/N) everyone knew and loved would never ever even think about removing her Fairy Tail insignia. Lucy doubted the thought would even registered in her mind. 

The (Y/N) Lucy had grown to love was fierce. Fiercer than Erza. And devoted to her friends. The (Y/N) she knew would never say such things about her Guild and would smite anyone who would. The thought of (Y/N) actually sitting in front of her, almost smiling at the thought of removing her guild mark, made the spacial wizard sick. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Lucy cried, her fists clenched so hard they were shaking. “How can you say such things!” 

Her friends stared at her, shaken by her exclamation. Lucy hadn’t meant to let it slip out, but a wave of ferocious anger had built up in her stomach, so volatile she couldn’t control her own actions. She’d said it, and now it was out in the air. But the worst part was that (Y/N) didn’t seem to care at all. 

Another incredibly awkward silence fell upon the group as (Y/N) stretched out like a lion, looking sleepy. The girls white hair was so porcine that it looked like a rats nest, and the way her cheeks had sunken in, making her look gaunt, momentarily distracted everyone. 

Then, something else hit the group like a freight train, so much so that Lucy felt her stomach squeeze like vice. A thought, cold and bitter, like the weather around them, consumed their thoughts. 

“(Y/N)…” Wendy’s voice was trembling. “Where’s Akame?”

(Y/N) turned to the little girl, eyes were burning with ice. The group watched as the Fairy Tail mage’s hand came up to scratch the spot where her black guild mark once lay. The dragon slayer said nothing, merely tearing her gaze to the ground, unable to form words.

(Y/N)’s definite silence was enough to fill in the blanks, and suddenly an overwhelming amount of guilt entered the room and refused to leave. Lucy suddenly realised that the unrecognisable corpse from her drawings wasn’t her dragon mother, it was Akame. Mutilated and disfigured from the battle of Tartarus. 

Flashes of colour and light blended together in (Y/N)’s memories, thinking about her past exceed. Deep velvety fur, melancholy eyes and a winsome smile to repudiate. The Ice Dragon Slayer missed her dear friend implicitly. 

“Come back to Fairy Tail,” Erza said, or more so demanded. 

(Y/N) snorted, cocking her head. “Why would I do that?” 

The way she was acting reminded Natsu of Gray when he was apart of Avatar. Arrogant, mysterious with underlying tones of sobriety. It made him want to throw up. 

“We’re family.” Natsu found himself saying. “When you’re all alone, it might be too frightening to bear... but we're all right beside each other! You’ve got us, whether we’re close by or far away. You’re never alone, (Y/N)!” 

For a single, tiny moment, something in (Y/N)’s eyes shifted. The dark, glassy look disappeared, the anger faded and what was left was a lost and broken girl, who had been abandoned to many times to trust a single word that came out of Natsu’s mouth. 

But then the Ice Dragon Slayer stood up, and she was taller than everyone, looming over Gray and Natsu and making Lucy look like a pipsqueak. Her hair, similar to Acnologia’s now bristled with ice, and she gritted her pointy teeth, glaring so evilly Lucy almost peed her pants.

“What happened to, _If you’re in are a guild, take care of your friends_? Natsu.” The iniquitous tremble in her voice was enough to make everyone step back a little.

“Didn’t you tell me that Natsu?” (Y/N) was now looming over her friends, eyes like daggers. “Where were you when I lost my best friend?” 

Natsu’s heart shrivelled up into a tiny ball of fire. Never in his life had he ever been ashamed for doing something, for making a judgment, and it hurt his friends. But now it seemed that leaving had been the worst thing he could’ve ever done, because (Y/N) never, ever rose her voice to anyone. She was always the diplomatic voice of reasoning, someone who balanced the scale. Seeing her now, shaking with rage, set something off inside the Fire Dragon Slayer. He wanted to run. He wanted to hide from his shame, hide like what she was doing, in this lonesome shack on the mountainside.

How could Natsu ever claim to look up to someone and love someone if he absconded them when they were hurting the most, and the worst part was that he didn’t even know she was hurting. Natsu didn’t have the right to love her. Not after everything he didn’t do. Not after running away from his fears and leaving the person he loved in the same boat. All that pinning after her, all that gushing at her from a distance, all those dreams, crumbled into smoke.

How could he love claim to love her when he knew she would never feel that way about him ever. (Y/N) thought of him as a stupid younger brother, he knew that for a fact.

"Seilah controlled her, made her kill herself, and I had to sit there and watch," (Y/N) spat out, her lip twisting into a cutting sneer. "I thought I could've been okay. Gotten over it maybe...but then everyone left me...and I had a lot of time to think about it..." 

Gray swallowed carefully, his heart beating so loud in his chest he knew she could hear it.

“You expect me to walk back into that guild?” (Y/N) snapped at Erza, breaking Natsu from his thoughts. “I’d rather die.”

“You don’t mean that,” Erza’s voice was shaky. “You’re just angry.”

“Damn right I’m angry,” (Y/N) grunted, leaning back to sit in her chair once more.

"Everyone lost someone (Y/N)!" Lucy yelled, not giving up hope on her friend so soon.  "I lost Aquarius. Gray lost his father. Natsu lost Igneel!" 

(Y/N) glared spitefully at the Celestial mage. "I lost my mother, my best friend, and then all of you...don't you even try to talk about suffering with me **Heartfilia**," 

Lucy swallowed her tongue. 

(Y/N) cracked her scarred knuckles carefully. “I suggest you leave, now,” 

The entrance to the tunnel rumbled, almost in agreement and a huge chunk of ice, almost glacier size slid off the summit and right down the side of the mountain. It hit an edge and the entire mountain rumbled, (Y/N) however was unfazed. 

The team of Fairy Tail wizards looked incredibly shaken, expression twisted in shock, resembling kicked puppies. Reluctantly, they stared to move towards the entrance, Natsu lagging behind. With one last look, Natsu turned towards (Y/N), eyes begging, but the dragon slayer wasn’t even looking.

** (Y/N)’s Perspective **

I had gotten used to the cold. Every fibre in my being was coded and weaved to withstand the severest of temperatures. 

But the ice in my heart was colder, hitting a saturation point where I could feel almost nothing. My feelings glazed over, melted and cooled into a pathetic lump. 

I’d always been a sad person, gloomy would be the aptest description, but Natsu had always been there to light up my life.(I mean that in every sense of the word, literal and figuratively)

Seeing Natsu again had awakened a passionate flame in my chest, a flame I wanted to bury in snow. He was my fire, he made me want to get up every morning and fight another day. 

At least he had…

For the most part of my life, he’d been the centre of my attention. The sun I orbited around on a daily basis. Some could argue I was just as cold to him as I was all my Fairy Tail friends, but they could also say they never truly understood me.

As children, being older than him had created a gap in our ability to work together. He was childish, pig-headed and innocent. I was boring, cynical and tall. But we’d formed something I’d never thought possible; a partnership, a relationship and an unbreakable bond. 

I knew he had a crush on me. And perhaps, I truly felt the same way but was unable to unlock the capacity to love someone so romantically. But I’d been willing to try…before he left. 

Natsu had been the person I could always go to, always be with, always count on. I had talked about my hardships; roaming Ishgar as a little girl, struggling to survive. I’d talked about my trust issues and my eagerness for self-sacrifice. 

Natsu had listened to it all. And held it in his heart. He’d protected me from myself, and anyone who could harm me. 

And over the years, subconsciously he’d morphed into someone I couldn’t live without, couldn’t breathe without. A representation of my trust.

If I couldn’t trust Natsu, then I couldn’t trust anyone. 

And then, I couldn’t trust him and my world disintegrated. 

I’d heard from a friend that he was leaving, A FRIEND. That damned boy didn’t even have the guts to tell me to my face that he was abandoning me. 

My lungs had shrivelled up, my heart had closed over. And I could feel myself giving up on humanity. I thought it might’ve felt a burning betrayal settle in my chest, but my emotions evaded me, and I was left standing in the Guild Hall, uncomfortable cold. 

Something I’d never experienced before. 

I watched them go, sitting on my perch sipping whiskey, my heart pumping lazily in my chest.

I hoped they would never come back. I hoped they all disappeared into another giant hole in the earth. For all my love and compassion had fizzled out in drones, and I was left with nothing but resentment. 

I was done with Fairy Tail. 

And it was done with me. 


End file.
